i need the strength

my holiday after spm is really unpredictable. Allah really tested my patience and it looks like i fail going deeper into Nar. sincerely i say im not strong and im really not! keep crying all day and night and no one knows except Allah. Now when i feel so far from Him and i have No One.. until sometimes there is a feeling deep inside my heart saying just commit suicide lahh but i know useless suicide! and im just going to Nar for free.. im not strong.. there is no friend beside of me for me to tell what i really feel. if there is it wouldnt come out from my mouth.. im sad and im trully sad.. i cant take it anymore.. everyone keep blaming me.. its not my fault anyway! i dont like kids and that kid act better! and everyone just say im abusing him? i think that is so not fair! see with your own eyes and tell me what that kid had done to my entire holiday! i seriously im tired of this game! im tired and i dont want to go on! im sad and im seriously sad... it shouldnt turn out this way! Ya Allah! im just your servant and i doesnt mean anything to You but You mean everything to me. and im extremely sad and no one knows what really happen to me except you i wanted to cry but i didnt see anyone beside me who truly understand me. and ive sinned a lot and i just want something from You Ya Allah i just want Your blessing for my entire life, i cant hold it anymore i just want You to be my side all time. Amiin.. everything has been destined i believe there is hikmah behind all of this.. I just need some strength and support. I just want Allah to know what im going through and im sicked of it.. too much tears sometimes i just got so angry and cried in the end.. Ya Allah ive been far from You, im sorry :(

amin 

aminn!